Words

I had forgotten the reason that I always stop writing. Although the words flow with such ease and are so stimulating, their power always takes me by surprise.
My pen is the knife I use to cut so the Words can bleed and I can have peace. They are my release. With a pen and paper, the universe is unlocked. Nothing is censored, and nothing can be monitored. It just is. Like the breath in my lungs.
Usually, I don’t even know what has been written until I close my eyes, take a deep breath and look again. It is like one of those pictures where you have to step back and let your vision adjust before you are able to see what is on the paper.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry. Almost always I am terrified. The authority in my Words comes as a reality check every time. From time to time, my Words take the breath from me. A bucket of ice water being poured over my head as I sleep. Occasionally the jolt can be refreshing.
At first, Words are empowering. They are my thoughts, my light and my soul. But when I want to sleep, Words keep dancing in my head and crawling through my bed. I beg them to stop. I have to have a break. Silence from the chaos. They never listen.
They wake me up in the night. Many nights I can recall just me and my pen. I write on receipts, old pay stubs, even my arm if there is no paper.
When the alarm clock rings I open my eyes. The first thing I see is Words sharing a pillow with me. Sometimes they smile and sing me songs of good morning. Most likely they scream at me like a child needing to be fed.
They are in my cereal bowl and on my toast. I eat Words for breakfast every morning. I make my way down the hallway and into the bathroom. Dammit Words!!!! Can’t I have any privacy? They sit on the counter top waiting for me to record them, on toilet paper if I have to. They don’t care.
What is so important that they sing to me in the shower? I try to wipe them off onto a towel. But they evaporate back into the air and cling to my naked body. Words are horribly persistent. They tell me what to wear, which pants make me look fat and how I should do my hair.
When I leave for work, I try to trick Words. Lock them in my notebook and hide them in my drawer. But the Words always beat me out the door. Driving is their favorite time of day. They call all of their friends to come along for the ride. At times the company can be nice, but usually they are all speaking at once. I have even had to stop the car to silence Words onto paper.
I speak to Words very sternly before I go into work. STAY! I command them, as I lock the car. But shortly after I clock in I hear snickering and whispering. I can’t do anything about the Words now because I am on someone else’s time. When Words are ignored they become toxic, like a slow carbon monoxide leak. They start to make me nauseous and weak. They make me grouchy and tired. The Words that are supposed to be helping me are interfering with my every day life. I can’t wait for my break so I can let some of the Words free. I hope they will loosen their death grip on my concentration.
Five o’clock comes. I dash for the car. At every stoplight I put some of the Words to rest on the notebook sitting dangerously in my lap. Often, I can’t wait for the stoplight. I write as I drive.
When I get home, I walk into the house and am greeted by a litter of Words born while I was away. I never thought caring for Words was going to be so much work. I dance and play with them. I feed them dinner and let them tell be stories before bedtime.
I tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. Then I retreat to the living room where I am free for a couple of hours before I too turn in for the night. Ironically, I pull a book from the bookshelf and begin to read. But these are someone else’s Words, so it is ok.
It doesn’t take long before I hear my Words sneaking up on me interrupting the meeting with my other friends.
“WORDS-” I bawl, “Your time is over!!!”
But before long I put down the book and turn to the Words that I wished for in the first place. Now I am just plain irritated, served with a side of exhaustion. I am too fatigued to argue with Words anymore. So I brush my teeth (theirs too of course), wash my face and crawl into bed.
“Goodnight Words.”
The silence lasts all but two minutes before Words coerce me out of bed. Exhaustion means nothing when Words are so loud. I tiptoe to the rocking chair and begin to rock my Words back to sleep. At least this time they brought the pen and paper.

Bricks of Life

Have you ever had those moments where you wondered if your breath was not enough to sustain your life?  You are so overwhelmed that every breath seems to chip away at what fragile physical body you have left?  I have felt many times like the next breath is going to be the one.......the one too many.  Like removing bricks from a house, eventually there is one that when you pull it out, the house will crumble.  That brick is the brick of life.  But guess what?  That brick is not holding the house anymore than I am holding your attention. Because it is a choice.  You have the choice to read this, read the newspaper, or stare silently at the wall.  Life is about choices and how we decide to use our time.  So don't waste your time pulling bricks out of your house.

Dating Sites

I will admit it. I have been on a dating site…..2 to be exact. Not extremely proud of it, nor is it my opening line at a social gathering but I am not ashamed either. I feel inclined to share my thoughts about this experience. It was immediately obvious to me that dating sites are not a part of my life for what they were intended for, dating. They have however, provided me with a wide variety of comic relief and occasional ego stroking. But more often these sites leave me feeling as if I need to take a shower after reading the disrespectful albeit sometimes humorous comments. Mostly they leave me feeling empty and irritated.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not completely against dating sites. In fact, I am quite for them. It is the people who frequent them that I find a problem with. Of the hundreds of messages I received in the relatively short time I was a member, I was offended by roughly 50 % of them. I was bored by the other half and fell asleep with my face down on the keyboard. In fact, I only had 1 single message in 6 years that even remotely peaked my interest. Unfortunately, as a novice dating site member, I was not aware that this was a classic line……..

….. “I have already married and divorced you in my mind…..” although this appeared to be clever the first time I read it, the 20th message that declares I must return some “virtual belongings” to some creepy idiot that is filing an imaginary divorce decree is no longer clever or funny. In addition “hey girl, what’s up?!?” is not a good starter line. This gives me no information about you and leads me to no point intellectually where I even entertain the thought of attempting to have a conversation with you. We are not standing in line at McDonalds. I do not owe you a cordial response.

And lastly, if at any point in your um, “dating” career you think it might be a good idea to take a picture of yourself with your cell phone, standing in the mirror, wearing only your boxers and a rusty chain around your neck…… You are creepy, and I will teach my children to cross the street if they see you walking down the sidewalk! Stop the ride, I want to get off.

The Journey Of A Million Notebooks

Now that I have a way to organize my thoughts and writing, I am going to take on a project of universal magnitude. I am digging out all my notebooks, some with pages so yellowed and damaged that the writing is barely visible. I have never thrown away a page of my writing in my life. Even the things I was not satisfied with. As a writer, I believe that what bleeds onto the paper is soul at it's purest form. It cannot be revised and it cannot be censored.

I am starting today to filter these precious memories into a place where I can share them with the world. The time is now and I am ready to go to a place of vulnerability and openness.

Here it comes world. I hope you are ready.

Lesha's Angel

I have a theory on the meaning of life. Or more specifically, the unique experiences and moments each of us are blessed with. I am always amazed at how the events of my own life unfold. It is as if I am walking on a giant web of experiences and ideas. All interconnected in some way and each plays some part in supporting another.

I believe that every experience we have is given to us at the exact moment we are ready to maximize the benefit. Now, I know that many people will think "there is no way _______ experience had any benefit to my life or anyone else's life for that matter". Well, I disagree. I believe that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Now, what that student chooses to do with the moment is what some like to refer to as "free will". Now, this isn't to say that we consciously choose to ingnore the lessons or opportunities to grow, but possibly the experience is given to us for increased awareness alone.

I had an interesting moment this morning as I was cruising my ususal internet sites. Checking mail, checking Facebook, along with other routine glances. I noticed that a dear friend who used to be my roommate over 10 years ago in college, had accepted my friend request on Facebook. I have been looking for my old roommates on and off for months, but through another series of intertwined events, just now was able to find them.

Anyway, as I started looking over her profile and pictures my heart dropped to my stomach. There, on her Facebook page was a picture of the smallest baby I have ever seen in my life, next to mine. I felt like I had no breath and had to force myself to breath so as not to loose my breakfast. This baby of hers, born at 24 weeks gestation is now a healthy beautiful 11 month old baby boy with no medical problems whatsoever.

A rush of emotions flooded me as I was instantly time transported 5 years back to the day I gave birth to my beautiful son Dominic at 24 weeks gestational age. He, however was not meant to be an earth angel, like my old roommates baby, but instead went back to heaven to do angel work from another universal dimension.

Now, this is not an experience I have stuffed into the closet for 5 years refusing to deal with the reality. I actually have dealt with it openly for many years and have felt very peaceful about the outcome. That is why these emotions came as such a surprise to me this morning. Something inside of me fell apart and I began to feel sad and for a split second, almost resentful that her baby had been chosen to live and mine had not.

However, this thought left my mind as quickly as it had entered it. For I have given much practice over the years to my original declaration that every life experience has unique purpose and the true test is to find meaning in these experiences. In that moment, I remembered how blessed I am to have been given the experience of being the mother of an angel. I was very determined and inspired after that experience, but over the years I have let some of that determination fizzle out.

What an ironic and coincidental time for me to receive a surge of these feelings, right as I am moving forward with my passion and dream of reaching the masses through my blog. This was no accident and has given me another dose of inspiration to feed from.

I do not know where this will lead just like all the other very strange things that seem to be falling into place as I set this plan in motion. However, one thing I have learned as I have practiced mindfulness over the years while extracting lessons to both receive and teach, is that life is. That's all. The less I analyze and criticize, the more I am given and peace becomes my companion.

I welcome this experience and am anxious to see where it leads me and who comes along this journey with me. Thank you Lesha for feeding me my dose of inspiration today. You are an amazing woman and I love you dearly.

Love & Light - Jenn

Education + Inspiration = Success

This is the first day of the rest of my life.... Cliché? Possibly. But more importantly, truth. I have been inspired many times throughout my life but have failed to take action. Today marks D-Day. Action begins now. I take control of the wheel. Take the bull by the horns. Whatever you want to call it, today I follow my heart. My soul will be silent no more.
I want to create a space to follow my journeys throughout this process from beginning to..... Beginning. This is my dream on so many levels. I can only hope that I can inspire someone to pursue what they feel in their soul as I grow from infancy to maturity during this process.
I have known I was meant to write for as long as I can remember. However, wrangling all my emotions, thoughts and ideas has not been an easy feat. I have gone through many various stages aspiring to be a journalist, novelist, teacher, as well as many many other scattered ideas. A few years back I really began diving deep into my heart.
I started asking all the questions we all ask. "What is the meaning of life?" "What do I believe spiritually?" "What defines peace and happiness?" Over the years I have found peace in my beliefs. I have been enlightened through knowledge and experience. I feel a deep burning in my soul and it is time to reach out.
My story is not heroic, nor is it a tragedy. I am the average "Jane" just trying to make ends meet. I am technically a single mom, although it would not be right for me not to mention the wonderful support I receive from my daughter's dad. My son's dad has chosen not to be involved in our (his) life right now. But things are as they should be.
I never completed my bachelor’s degree and although I have a certificate for my associates, it has served me little purpose other than lip service up to this point in my life. This official piece of paper that I am lacking makes me less marketable in the eyes of a potential employer than someone equally or slightly less qualified who has reached that milestone. After all, they hold the coveted paper, or "ticket to the future" and I do not.
This does not mean that I am not an exceptional worker. I have been part of the rat race since I was legally old enough to work. I have held a variety of wonderful and not-so-wonderful jobs ranging from dishwasher to store manager to residential youth counselor and mentor. All of the jobs I have been blessed to have had prepared me in one way or another for this moment. Thank you to my past employers for educating me in your own individual way. I am thankful for the opportunity to have served you.
However, my "professional" life always seems to lead me down the same road. No matter how hard I try to be what "they" want, it is never right. More often than not I am left feeling unsatisfied and ultimately jobless.
Most recently I was fired from a job I have been working at for a year. This was not my dream job, but it paid the bills. And I was good at it. Like the others it started out good, but quickly started falling apart at the seams as I had to leave for various medical reasons concerning my children. No matter how much I tried to make up for it on the back end, I could feel that I was spinning my wheels. It got to the point that I could do nothing right. If I worked through my lunches or from home, I was working too much. If I came in at 9 and left at 5:15 as I was scheduled, but failed to help a co-worker complete his tasks, I was just "going through the motions". If I voiced my thoughts I was complaining. If I put my headphones on and did not interact I was "checking out". It was a no win situation. But I was determined not to roll over for the energy vampires who I worked with. Despite any external conditions I decided that I had control over my attitude and that... would be positive.
Ultimately I received the dreaded call to Human Resources where I was presented with my final check. Ironically I was never given a reason for termination, however in fairness I didn't really wait for one. I was free.
As I packed up my desk with the HR rep watching to make sure I didn't steal any valuables (staples are hot on the black market right now) I couldn't help but notice a very strong feeling of peace come over me. In that moment, I realized that even though the situation was not ideal, this was an absolute opportunity and I could choose to fight it or embrace it. I chose the latter. Undoubtedly I would have stayed at this job for eternity had nothing better come knocking at my door. This job was safe (or so I thought). It brought me steady hours and a steady paycheck. Beyond that it brought me little more. Thank you Overstock, for giving me the visibility of freedom to choose again.
I walked out the front door holding my box of belonging. As I inhaled the new freedom, I felt a very strong sense of intent and calling. However, the reality was that I still had my babies to feed. Instead of jumping on the fear train running frantically to the first job that would take me, I decided to take a more centered approach. This approach involves both reflection and faith. I went to a local temp service and was employed the very next day. This has given me the flexibility to be a little pickier as I wait for the universe to align while still taking care of my obligations.
Through a series of events this past week, I stumbled upon a website about how to make money through blogging. I have never blogged before and my knowledge of blogging is very elementary. However, in this moment, it was as if 1000 angels filled the room and were singing a song specifically composed for me. How perfect would it be if I could combine my life long passion of writing with the ability to support my family all while reaching millions of people at the very affordable cost of the internet which is virtually free? Perfect union.
So, today it begins. I have $39.75 to my name, but I feel so strongly about this I am spending $19 for my domain name and another $5.95 for web hosting. From here, the sky's the limit. It is up to me to seek the education necessary to make this journey a success. And seek I will. I don't expect to "get rich quick" nor is the monetary aspect the thing that drives me. But how wonderful it would be to get to spend the afternoon with my babies at the Zoo while knowing I am making money from inspiring someone to find peace and love in their life and stopping the dozens of calls I receive every day from people who want to be paid.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi
I plan to do just that. Starting today.
Love and Light - Jenn

Rainbow

Today I saw a rainbow. Right in front of my eyes. It has always been there, but today I saw it. I saw a rainbow, an illusion of beauty that only momentarily masks the darkness of the storm. It is beautiful and I am thankful. Somehow the rainbow makes the storm not only bearable, but almost desirable.

The space I just moved from was a rainbow. Beautiful for what it was. A few luminous moments that allowed me room to breathe in the chaos and darkness of the storm. This is a hard realization to come by. No one wants to admit that they spent time living in a dark, dysfunctional and counter-intuitive space. However once I move past failure, pride, and shame, there is only light, and there is only love.

I chose to live in the illusion of the rainbow when what actually existed was a very violent storm. I then realized one critical thing.... rain brings life to what is lacking in the earth. Therefore, Rain=Life. My storm also brought life on the wings of its tears to a soul that was extremely under nourished. I had been without for so long; I was drinking from anything that made me feel alive. Jealousy, Rage, Anger, Fear.....they gave me life. But that life came at such a high cost. You see, life and death are partners that walk hand in hand. They are easily interchangeable if boundaries are not held to distinguish between the two.

And so, instead of choosing to mourn the death of a period in my life that was nothing more than a momentary rainbow, I am choosing to celebrate the new life I have been blessed with. The clouds have begun to roll away and I am starting to feel the warmth of the sun on the light of my soul. It is feeding the seed. The sun is real, and I am thankful.

As with any new garden, the possibilities are limitless depending on what I choose to plant in my garden. It is impossible to grow pumpkins, if I don't plant pumpkin seeds. I have two beautiful seeds, my children, Sasha and Zehn. They are my life force and I will nurture the seeds within them. I will help them grow, and I will start by watering my soul.

I have been so lucky to be given a new garden, new soil, new wind, new sun, and new rain. I start today. I am planting seeds. They must be engineered to grow with love and light. That is the primary source of nourishment this garden will be fed. I will start with the seeds of peace...... watch carefully and patiently as they blossom into happiness and bliss. ..The Peace and Love of God are within me. I am so grateful........

Love & Light