I have a theory on the meaning of life. Or more specifically, the unique experiences and moments each of us are blessed with. I am always amazed at how the events of my own life unfold. It is as if I am walking on a giant web of experiences and ideas. All interconnected in some way and each plays some part in supporting another.
I believe that every experience we have is given to us at the exact moment we are ready to maximize the benefit. Now, I know that many people will think "there is no way _______ experience had any benefit to my life or anyone else's life for that matter". Well, I disagree. I believe that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Now, what that student chooses to do with the moment is what some like to refer to as "free will". Now, this isn't to say that we consciously choose to ingnore the lessons or opportunities to grow, but possibly the experience is given to us for increased awareness alone.
I had an interesting moment this morning as I was cruising my ususal internet sites. Checking mail, checking Facebook, along with other routine glances. I noticed that a dear friend who used to be my roommate over 10 years ago in college, had accepted my friend request on Facebook. I have been looking for my old roommates on and off for months, but through another series of intertwined events, just now was able to find them.
Anyway, as I started looking over her profile and pictures my heart dropped to my stomach. There, on her Facebook page was a picture of the smallest baby I have ever seen in my life, next to mine. I felt like I had no breath and had to force myself to breath so as not to loose my breakfast. This baby of hers, born at 24 weeks gestation is now a healthy beautiful 11 month old baby boy with no medical problems whatsoever.
A rush of emotions flooded me as I was instantly time transported 5 years back to the day I gave birth to my beautiful son Dominic at 24 weeks gestational age. He, however was not meant to be an earth angel, like my old roommates baby, but instead went back to heaven to do angel work from another universal dimension.
Now, this is not an experience I have stuffed into the closet for 5 years refusing to deal with the reality. I actually have dealt with it openly for many years and have felt very peaceful about the outcome. That is why these emotions came as such a surprise to me this morning. Something inside of me fell apart and I began to feel sad and for a split second, almost resentful that her baby had been chosen to live and mine had not.
However, this thought left my mind as quickly as it had entered it. For I have given much practice over the years to my original declaration that every life experience has unique purpose and the true test is to find meaning in these experiences. In that moment, I remembered how blessed I am to have been given the experience of being the mother of an angel. I was very determined and inspired after that experience, but over the years I have let some of that determination fizzle out.
What an ironic and coincidental time for me to receive a surge of these feelings, right as I am moving forward with my passion and dream of reaching the masses through my blog. This was no accident and has given me another dose of inspiration to feed from.
I do not know where this will lead just like all the other very strange things that seem to be falling into place as I set this plan in motion. However, one thing I have learned as I have practiced mindfulness over the years while extracting lessons to both receive and teach, is that life is. That's all. The less I analyze and criticize, the more I am given and peace becomes my companion.
I welcome this experience and am anxious to see where it leads me and who comes along this journey with me. Thank you Lesha for feeding me my dose of inspiration today. You are an amazing woman and I love you dearly.
Love & Light - Jenn
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Education + Inspiration = Success
This is the first day of the rest of my life.... Cliché? Possibly. But more importantly, truth. I have been inspired many times throughout my life but have failed to take action. Today marks D-Day. Action begins now. I take control of the wheel. Take the bull by the horns. Whatever you want to call it, today I follow my heart. My soul will be silent no more.
I want to create a space to follow my journeys throughout this process from beginning to..... Beginning. This is my dream on so many levels. I can only hope that I can inspire someone to pursue what they feel in their soul as I grow from infancy to maturity during this process.
I have known I was meant to write for as long as I can remember. However, wrangling all my emotions, thoughts and ideas has not been an easy feat. I have gone through many various stages aspiring to be a journalist, novelist, teacher, as well as many many other scattered ideas. A few years back I really began diving deep into my heart.
I started asking all the questions we all ask. "What is the meaning of life?" "What do I believe spiritually?" "What defines peace and happiness?" Over the years I have found peace in my beliefs. I have been enlightened through knowledge and experience. I feel a deep burning in my soul and it is time to reach out.
My story is not heroic, nor is it a tragedy. I am the average "Jane" just trying to make ends meet. I am technically a single mom, although it would not be right for me not to mention the wonderful support I receive from my daughter's dad. My son's dad has chosen not to be involved in our (his) life right now. But things are as they should be.
I never completed my bachelor’s degree and although I have a certificate for my associates, it has served me little purpose other than lip service up to this point in my life. This official piece of paper that I am lacking makes me less marketable in the eyes of a potential employer than someone equally or slightly less qualified who has reached that milestone. After all, they hold the coveted paper, or "ticket to the future" and I do not.
This does not mean that I am not an exceptional worker. I have been part of the rat race since I was legally old enough to work. I have held a variety of wonderful and not-so-wonderful jobs ranging from dishwasher to store manager to residential youth counselor and mentor. All of the jobs I have been blessed to have had prepared me in one way or another for this moment. Thank you to my past employers for educating me in your own individual way. I am thankful for the opportunity to have served you.
However, my "professional" life always seems to lead me down the same road. No matter how hard I try to be what "they" want, it is never right. More often than not I am left feeling unsatisfied and ultimately jobless.
Most recently I was fired from a job I have been working at for a year. This was not my dream job, but it paid the bills. And I was good at it. Like the others it started out good, but quickly started falling apart at the seams as I had to leave for various medical reasons concerning my children. No matter how much I tried to make up for it on the back end, I could feel that I was spinning my wheels. It got to the point that I could do nothing right. If I worked through my lunches or from home, I was working too much. If I came in at 9 and left at 5:15 as I was scheduled, but failed to help a co-worker complete his tasks, I was just "going through the motions". If I voiced my thoughts I was complaining. If I put my headphones on and did not interact I was "checking out". It was a no win situation. But I was determined not to roll over for the energy vampires who I worked with. Despite any external conditions I decided that I had control over my attitude and that... would be positive.
Ultimately I received the dreaded call to Human Resources where I was presented with my final check. Ironically I was never given a reason for termination, however in fairness I didn't really wait for one. I was free.
As I packed up my desk with the HR rep watching to make sure I didn't steal any valuables (staples are hot on the black market right now) I couldn't help but notice a very strong feeling of peace come over me. In that moment, I realized that even though the situation was not ideal, this was an absolute opportunity and I could choose to fight it or embrace it. I chose the latter. Undoubtedly I would have stayed at this job for eternity had nothing better come knocking at my door. This job was safe (or so I thought). It brought me steady hours and a steady paycheck. Beyond that it brought me little more. Thank you Overstock, for giving me the visibility of freedom to choose again.
I walked out the front door holding my box of belonging. As I inhaled the new freedom, I felt a very strong sense of intent and calling. However, the reality was that I still had my babies to feed. Instead of jumping on the fear train running frantically to the first job that would take me, I decided to take a more centered approach. This approach involves both reflection and faith. I went to a local temp service and was employed the very next day. This has given me the flexibility to be a little pickier as I wait for the universe to align while still taking care of my obligations.
Through a series of events this past week, I stumbled upon a website about how to make money through blogging. I have never blogged before and my knowledge of blogging is very elementary. However, in this moment, it was as if 1000 angels filled the room and were singing a song specifically composed for me. How perfect would it be if I could combine my life long passion of writing with the ability to support my family all while reaching millions of people at the very affordable cost of the internet which is virtually free? Perfect union.
So, today it begins. I have $39.75 to my name, but I feel so strongly about this I am spending $19 for my domain name and another $5.95 for web hosting. From here, the sky's the limit. It is up to me to seek the education necessary to make this journey a success. And seek I will. I don't expect to "get rich quick" nor is the monetary aspect the thing that drives me. But how wonderful it would be to get to spend the afternoon with my babies at the Zoo while knowing I am making money from inspiring someone to find peace and love in their life and stopping the dozens of calls I receive every day from people who want to be paid.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi
I plan to do just that. Starting today.
Love and Light - Jenn
I want to create a space to follow my journeys throughout this process from beginning to..... Beginning. This is my dream on so many levels. I can only hope that I can inspire someone to pursue what they feel in their soul as I grow from infancy to maturity during this process.
I have known I was meant to write for as long as I can remember. However, wrangling all my emotions, thoughts and ideas has not been an easy feat. I have gone through many various stages aspiring to be a journalist, novelist, teacher, as well as many many other scattered ideas. A few years back I really began diving deep into my heart.
I started asking all the questions we all ask. "What is the meaning of life?" "What do I believe spiritually?" "What defines peace and happiness?" Over the years I have found peace in my beliefs. I have been enlightened through knowledge and experience. I feel a deep burning in my soul and it is time to reach out.
My story is not heroic, nor is it a tragedy. I am the average "Jane" just trying to make ends meet. I am technically a single mom, although it would not be right for me not to mention the wonderful support I receive from my daughter's dad. My son's dad has chosen not to be involved in our (his) life right now. But things are as they should be.
I never completed my bachelor’s degree and although I have a certificate for my associates, it has served me little purpose other than lip service up to this point in my life. This official piece of paper that I am lacking makes me less marketable in the eyes of a potential employer than someone equally or slightly less qualified who has reached that milestone. After all, they hold the coveted paper, or "ticket to the future" and I do not.
This does not mean that I am not an exceptional worker. I have been part of the rat race since I was legally old enough to work. I have held a variety of wonderful and not-so-wonderful jobs ranging from dishwasher to store manager to residential youth counselor and mentor. All of the jobs I have been blessed to have had prepared me in one way or another for this moment. Thank you to my past employers for educating me in your own individual way. I am thankful for the opportunity to have served you.
However, my "professional" life always seems to lead me down the same road. No matter how hard I try to be what "they" want, it is never right. More often than not I am left feeling unsatisfied and ultimately jobless.
Most recently I was fired from a job I have been working at for a year. This was not my dream job, but it paid the bills. And I was good at it. Like the others it started out good, but quickly started falling apart at the seams as I had to leave for various medical reasons concerning my children. No matter how much I tried to make up for it on the back end, I could feel that I was spinning my wheels. It got to the point that I could do nothing right. If I worked through my lunches or from home, I was working too much. If I came in at 9 and left at 5:15 as I was scheduled, but failed to help a co-worker complete his tasks, I was just "going through the motions". If I voiced my thoughts I was complaining. If I put my headphones on and did not interact I was "checking out". It was a no win situation. But I was determined not to roll over for the energy vampires who I worked with. Despite any external conditions I decided that I had control over my attitude and that... would be positive.
Ultimately I received the dreaded call to Human Resources where I was presented with my final check. Ironically I was never given a reason for termination, however in fairness I didn't really wait for one. I was free.
As I packed up my desk with the HR rep watching to make sure I didn't steal any valuables (staples are hot on the black market right now) I couldn't help but notice a very strong feeling of peace come over me. In that moment, I realized that even though the situation was not ideal, this was an absolute opportunity and I could choose to fight it or embrace it. I chose the latter. Undoubtedly I would have stayed at this job for eternity had nothing better come knocking at my door. This job was safe (or so I thought). It brought me steady hours and a steady paycheck. Beyond that it brought me little more. Thank you Overstock, for giving me the visibility of freedom to choose again.
I walked out the front door holding my box of belonging. As I inhaled the new freedom, I felt a very strong sense of intent and calling. However, the reality was that I still had my babies to feed. Instead of jumping on the fear train running frantically to the first job that would take me, I decided to take a more centered approach. This approach involves both reflection and faith. I went to a local temp service and was employed the very next day. This has given me the flexibility to be a little pickier as I wait for the universe to align while still taking care of my obligations.
Through a series of events this past week, I stumbled upon a website about how to make money through blogging. I have never blogged before and my knowledge of blogging is very elementary. However, in this moment, it was as if 1000 angels filled the room and were singing a song specifically composed for me. How perfect would it be if I could combine my life long passion of writing with the ability to support my family all while reaching millions of people at the very affordable cost of the internet which is virtually free? Perfect union.
So, today it begins. I have $39.75 to my name, but I feel so strongly about this I am spending $19 for my domain name and another $5.95 for web hosting. From here, the sky's the limit. It is up to me to seek the education necessary to make this journey a success. And seek I will. I don't expect to "get rich quick" nor is the monetary aspect the thing that drives me. But how wonderful it would be to get to spend the afternoon with my babies at the Zoo while knowing I am making money from inspiring someone to find peace and love in their life and stopping the dozens of calls I receive every day from people who want to be paid.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Gandhi
I plan to do just that. Starting today.
Love and Light - Jenn
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Rainbow
The space I just moved from was a rainbow. Beautiful for what it was. A few luminous moments that allowed me room to breathe in the chaos and darkness of the storm. This is a hard realization to come by. No one wants to admit that they spent time living in a dark, dysfunctional and counter-intuitive space. However once I move past failure, pride, and shame, there is only light, and there is only love.
I chose to live in the illusion of the rainbow when what actually existed was a very violent storm. I then realized one critical thing.... rain brings life to what is lacking in the earth. Therefore, Rain=Life. My storm also brought life on the wings of its tears to a soul that was extremely under nourished. I had been without for so long; I was drinking from anything that made me feel alive. Jealousy, Rage, Anger, Fear.....they gave me life. But that life came at such a high cost. You see, life and death are partners that walk hand in hand. They are easily interchangeable if boundaries are not held to distinguish between the two.
And so, instead of choosing to mourn the death of a period in my life that was nothing more than a momentary rainbow, I am choosing to celebrate the new life I have been blessed with. The clouds have begun to roll away and I am starting to feel the warmth of the sun on the light of my soul. It is feeding the seed. The sun is real, and I am thankful.
As with any new garden, the possibilities are limitless depending on what I choose to plant in my garden. It is impossible to grow pumpkins, if I don't plant pumpkin seeds. I have two beautiful seeds, my children, Sasha and Zehn. They are my life force and I will nurture the seeds within them. I will help them grow, and I will start by watering my soul.
I have been so lucky to be given a new garden, new soil, new wind, new sun, and new rain. I start today. I am planting seeds. They must be engineered to grow with love and light. That is the primary source of nourishment this garden will be fed. I will start with the seeds of peace...... watch carefully and patiently as they blossom into happiness and bliss. ..The Peace and Love of God are within me. I am so grateful........
Love & Light
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